While there is some time before the holidays are here, we are at that point in the year where that time between now and the holidays speeds by incredibly quickly.
While we love to fantasize about winter wonderlands and the holiday spirit, any parent knows that meltdowns are just as prevalent as snowflakes in December. Let's talk about preparing your children emotionally for the holidays.
Meltdowns are an involuntary response to feelings of overwhelm. They tend to occur as a result of an individual’s bandwidth being maxed out. This can be due to not eating, inadequate sleep, sensory overload, or having to utilize extra executive functioning skills, including dealing with transitions or changes in routine. Meltdowns can happen to any child or adult and can look like decreased frustration tolerance, such as crying over spilled milk or an increased need for attention from their caregiver. With adults, this may look like irritability or reverting to less adaptive or healthful coping skills from the past, or just hauling up in their room doom-scrolling until the overwhelm passes.
There are ways to minimize meltdowns during the holidays, and now is the time to consider strategies.
Minimize time in high-stress situations.
Firstly, take an honest assessment of your holiday plans' demands on you and your family. If you are visiting family, consider visiting for only an afternoon or staying at a hotel instead of sharing a home with others. The less time you spend in stressful situations, the lower the demand on your bandwidth. The lower the demand on you or your children’s bandwidth, the lower your chances of experiencing meltdowns.
Additionally, it may be helpful to consider scheduling downtime away from others to allow you and your child to recuperate. Even if your child enjoys themselves, they must work harder with schedule changes and people they don’t see regularly. Remember that every demand lowers the threshold for overload. Whether it’s downtime or nap time, a midday break is vital. Please note that neurodivergent children and adults (especially those with ADHD) may prefer downtime that does not seem restful to a neurotypical person, such as exercise, TV, or reading.
Recall past stressors and anticipate new ones.
Did 8-year-old Joe want to ride skateboards with 14-year-old Sam, who just wanted to hang out with friends? Sara cried when Dani got more presents. Did Uncle Kris insist on bringing up that political thing that brings up raw feelings in you? These are all situations or stressors that can be anticipated and supported beforehand. Consider boundary setting, scheduling, and setting the stage when making your action plan. Setting the stage means having conversations with yourself or your kiddo about what the visit will actually be like. “Joe, I know you love hanging out with Sam, but Sam will need some Sam time alone.” Start having these conversations now, so that when Joe does not get to hang out with Sam for every moment of the visit, he is not disappointed. Preparation is everything!
I also recommend creating a schedule for kids. This gives them autonomy of the day, decreases anxiety about what is going on, and sets realistic expectations. Using the example above, you may even contact Sam ahead of time and ask when they are most likely to need their time away from Joe. Sometimes, I have also asked these teens if they would facilitate something cool with the younger kids: “Could you lead this craft or a game?”
Some of you may be leery about a schedule for kiddos, especially if you have families that tend to have loose schedules. Rest assured, this does not need to be a firm schedule. Write in pencil so it can be erased. Use phrases like after breakfast; this way, if breakfast is delayed, it's still after breakfast.
Setting the expectations
Setting the expectations ahead of time can decrease meltdowns caused by disappointment. “Sara, remember that Dani’s mom buys a lot more presents; sometimes it feels hard when someone else gets more presents than you. Sometimes, our insides get sad or mad. If that is the case, you can come snuggle with me.”
This kind of explanation has 3 parts:
Describes the situation that may occur
Describes the emotional state that may arise due to the situation
Supports kiddos with options if this happens again
I would also highly recommend role-playing the situation about once a week between now and the holidays.
You will likely have to set some boundaries with your family to make all this happen. This may include a phone call ahead of time to set a schedule and define expectations they can have of you and your child. You might request access to a space that can be your family’s recuperate space for some quiet. It might be tempting to skimp on the boundary setting, but the essence of these other strategies is in boundary setting. If setting boundaries is hard for you, I highly recommend Nedra Glover Tawwab’s Set Boundaries, Find Peace.
Grounding Activities
Lastly, I recommend practicing identifying when your child and your bandwidths are getting low and trying some grounding activities to expand it again. All our clinicians at Olympia Therapy can teach grounding activities. A grounding exercise is something you can utilize to get you out of your head and into your body. You can do this by being present in the here and now using any of your 8 senses. When you start engaging your senses, you start to reduce anxiety. (Do you want to learn about your * senses? Check this blog out!)
End of Year & Holiday Stress Group
Some of our lovely interns here at Olympia Therapy will be hosting a therapy group for teens ages 16 and 17 for "End of the Year & Holiday Stress".
If you are interested in supporting your teens in...
gaining an understanding of the stress cycle
using self-awareness and self-expression as tools to cope with holiday stressors
identifying and processing emotions around the holidays
identifying safe people to connect with
centering their well-being over the expectations of others
...then I would recommend this group to them!
I hope this blog rings true and will support you and your family this holiday season.
By Brynn Fitzer
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